The Darkest Place

Lord? Did you say my name?

Did you call me, Jesus?

I was in a dark place. I wanted to be there. I chose to be there. I knew it was wrong. Yet...I went anyway.

Was that You, that tried to gently lead me out? Your voice, quietly asking me to come to you?

I confess. I heard it. In the distance; even tho you were right in front of me. You were speaking to my soul, to my spirit. 

And Yet I only listened to the sounds of the darkness. The sounds were appealing. Pulling, tugging, leading, enticing, whispering to my own dark places within myself. I entered. Against your wishes, your desires, your teachings, your leading, your direction.

It was so much easier to give in to the darkness at the moment. It didn't take effort, it was almost natural. Almost felt like I was destined or dare I say...created to walk where I walked. It seemed to great a task to answer to your voice. To respond at the calling of my name.

No discipline needed. No strength required. The power was from an outward source. I didn't have to rely on me. But then....you weren't asking me to. And yet, it was just easier....somehow.

I went because I could! I went because in the moment it felt good; great even! I tasted, I saw, I touched, I smelt and I heard. In the darkness, it was all there....with me.

It was afterwards. When even the darkness didn't have a place for me anymore. When all the feelings; all the senses were no longer being enticed. When everything within was being shut down, turned off, put away.

The darkness could only hold me, my attention, my desires for a short time. For there was no re-fueling to be found, no source of life giving energy, no place of renewal.

And now that I was spent, exhausted and used up, this place of darkness no longer had use for me. I wasn't welcomed any longer. I was being ridiculed, laughed at, ostracized, kicked around, spit on. I was pushed, pulled, bruised, beaten and broken.

I tried to recover...many times, I tried to stand on my own two feet, tried to rely or call upon the power within myself.  Alas there was only weakness to found. No matter how determined I desired to be, no matter how tired of the abuse from this dark place, no matter the hands of loved ones reaching out to help & pick me up, pull me out. I was too weak. I could see their hands, their hearts, their desire to help.

And, honestly? I reached out my hands to grasp theirs...but the distance too great, the chasm to wide.

I retreated to a corner of safety, there in the darkness. It turned out to be a false sense..but it allowed me a moment of reprieve. In that moment I called out to the One I rejected. I felt His presence...briefly.

Briefly before being pulled into the center of the darkness. To be used once more as a play thing. Jostled, juggled, tossed and dropped. Sure there were still moments when I actually thought it was fun...kind of. But the moments were much shorter, the after pain too great, the recovery too long.

Each time I retreated to a corner where no one was; where I could heal, recover and rest. I whispered His name. I turned my eyes, my heart to the opening in this pit of darkness. The opening that I hadn't noticed, yet knew was always there. The opening where glittering, brilliant, warming rays of light streamed through. The brilliance shone upon my face, reflecting to the space around me.

For the first time, my eyes scanned the place I had nestled into. I took in the dirt & the grime, the dust & filth. I looked at the place I had retreated to...really looked at and examined it. And I was disgusted with what I saw. I had sat in the midst of this cesspool for too long and I desired escape. I needed escape. I could no longer breathe. I jumped up, gulping air into my lungs, desperately needing fresh, new, life-giving oxygen.

This time, it wasn't a whisper. I cried out His name. I begged Him to hear me. To see me. To rescue me. To cleanse me. I came to hate the dark place. I lifted my eyes, my face, my heart, my spirit, and my soul to the opening above. And when I finally lifted my hands up to the sky, to the heaven above; I felt His hand touch mine. I knew it was Him. I felt the scars. I grabbed on and allowed Him to lift me out. To carry me away from the stench, filth and disgust of that dark place.

He carried me to a place of healing, cleansing, renewal. He washed me with His gentleness, patience and unbelievable love. He held me, rocked me, sang to my soul. He forgave me. He blessed me. He showed me a new place. 

A place of wholeness, light & strength. An amazing place full of joy, peace, hope, mercy & grace. A place where light resides...all the time. Where my heart is cared for, loved, desired. Where I am understood. Where history and newness reside together. Where there is direction, calling and manifested dreams.

A place where He says my name and I smile in response.

Bless you as you hear His voice and walk in His light today. <3 LR