Healing Rain: October 2012

I have found some time.

time for me.

time for prayer.

time for singing.

time for meditation.

time for reading.

time for researching.

time for writing.

I have also found that I can't force the spirit within or without. What I can do... is be at peace and empty myself of all that is busy. all that is demanding. all that is chaotic. all that is worrisome. all that is negative. all that is worldly focused. all that is cryptic. all that is numbing. all that is hurtful. all that is wrong.

Empty myself of all....but God.

I have found that I can Breathe in clarity, calmness, gentleness, focus, goodness, kindness, hope, serenity, quietness.

And yet, despite the peace that washes over me, I have found that an inferno burns deep within my gut, my heart, my spirit...my soul. A fire that is fuelled by words. Words that are tumbling, turning, twisting, rising, rolling, rebounding around inside. Words feeding a fire that threatens to burn out of control, extinguished only by taking pen to paper, fingers to keyboard.

The burning topic this week is that of bullying. All kinds of media are inflamed with various takes, views and opinions on this topic of late with the suicidal death of yet another young person who could not withstand the badgering, taunting and cruel words of bullies. My heart goes out to her family with the loss of their daughter and the inner turmoil they now must bare.

So many windows (& too many doors) into the world of bullying.... I approach but one and share from a place of understanding that comes from a journey strewn with ashes from the past & smoke that still stings the nostrils, shortness of breath and too foggy a brain to think clearly.

I have vivid memories of childhood moments filled with tauntings, badgering, cruel words and bruised self-esteem. There are memories of twisted arms (yes, literally), pulled hair, and bruises on my body. Memories that include me searching deep down inside for a strength I was surprised I possessed; strength enough to sing in my brave 10 year old voice "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" OH how wrong that little ditty is! I know, because the old tapes (voices from the past) sometimes still creep in to haunt me.

I have teenage memories that threaten to this day to leave me feeling ashamed, broken, wounded, hurt, hated, unloved and never quite good enough.... Memories that include the building of walls, the reshaping of personality, the altercations to God-given characteristics and God-breathed spirit. Memories that to this day fuel spoken words from my own lips "You could not pay me enough to go through high school again!!!"

Thankfully my teen years were short lived for it was at 16 and a half that My Man, my protector, my Knight came riding into my life and whisked me away! Oh how grateful I forever will be to that man! :)

It is unfortunate that the years prior to my rescue were enough to negatively impact the many years that followed. Not enough to render me a lifelong victim. Not enough to destroy me. Not enough to leave me completely broken. Just enough to leave some scars. Enough to alter my self-esteem, self image and my belief (or rather lack of)in myself. Sadly the negative impact on my own self has, over the years, affected those I have called friends along with family members, co-workers, employers, neighbors, customers, clients and even simple acquaintances.

I have grown up, I would like to think that those that taunted my childhood and teenage years have grown up as well and become cherished members in their own communities & families. I believe it is highly possible and I honestly hold no grudges or harbour any bitterness or unforgiveness towards those from my youth.

However, I know that not everyone's childhood bullies stopped bullying. They just got taller, older and more creative with their tactics. They have become adult bullies, workplace bullies, corporate bullies, professional bullies, neighbourhood (home-owners) bullies, political bullies, advertising bullies, big business bullies, development bullies, selfish and self-serving bullies from all walks of life.

Too often is the case that an adult bully is a charming, loveable, wonderful human being to all around him...unless you are the one he/she is targeting! It is frequently the case that an adult bully often becomes the victim when outed by the target. No one believes the accusations. It is often impossible to prove. How can you say such a thing about him/her? And then just when you think you have a good case against this person; the bully becomes the master manipulator and shreds you before the jury of your peers, co-workers, supervisors & management.

This I know to be true....I have been their target too! I have left lucrative, rewarding, fulfilling places of employment due to corporate bullies. I have suffered hurt and humiliation from small business owners both as an employee and a customer/client. I have been the target of sexual harassment in the workplace. I have moved from one community to another to escape the bullying of neighbors. I have suffered with frequent headaches, migraines, stomach illnesses and diseases from 'professionals' and their bully tactics. I have watched others stand back as witnesses to these 'crimes' without offering aid. I get sick to my stomach as I admit I have been one of these witnesses...long before I understood what was going on.

Even now, after all I have experienced, all I have been thrown, given, handed, tossed. Even now...It takes time for me to see the picture being painted on the wall of my own life. I ask myself why?? The only answer I have is.... because my heart forgives, my heart forgets, my heart holds on to hope, my heart looks for the good in others. My heart believes that if I genuinely give 100% of myself to everyone I meet for their good and not mine; they will give back just as much and for the same reasons. If I treat others as I wish to be treated the world will be a better place. Idealist? Perhaps. But that is OK as I am happy in that idealistic world...despite the hurt and abuse that sometimes comes back.

I have said the events of my youth did not render me a lifelong victim and for that I am forever thankful! It is because of these memories, these early events, these youthful hurts that I have come to a place of great strength. Couple that strength with age and we have a marriage of wisdom and discernment; which has given birth to insight and empathy. Wrap up that little family with God's unconditional and never failing love; throw it all into the furnace of tragedy and when the flames go out, the ashes cool and the smoke has cleared, look for one of God's precious jewels... Shining brightly, surviving, thriving, living life to its fullest, believing in self and embracing ALL that God polished!