The Darkest Place

Lord? Did you say my name?

Did you call me, Jesus?

I was in a dark place. I wanted to be there. I chose to be there. I knew it was wrong. Yet...I went anyway.

Was that You, that tried to gently lead me out? Your voice, quietly asking me to come to you?

I confess. I heard it. In the distance; even tho you were right in front of me. You were speaking to my soul, to my spirit. 

And Yet I only listened to the sounds of the darkness. The sounds were appealing. Pulling, tugging, leading, enticing, whispering to my own dark places within myself. I entered. Against your wishes, your desires, your teachings, your leading, your direction.

It was so much easier to give in to the darkness at the moment. It didn't take effort, it was almost natural. Almost felt like I was destined or dare I say...created to walk where I walked. It seemed to great a task to answer to your voice. To respond at the calling of my name.

No discipline needed. No strength required. The power was from an outward source. I didn't have to rely on me. But then....you weren't asking me to. And yet, it was just easier....somehow.

I went because I could! I went because in the moment it felt good; great even! I tasted, I saw, I touched, I smelt and I heard. In the darkness, it was all there....with me.

It was afterwards. When even the darkness didn't have a place for me anymore. When all the feelings; all the senses were no longer being enticed. When everything within was being shut down, turned off, put away.

The darkness could only hold me, my attention, my desires for a short time. For there was no re-fueling to be found, no source of life giving energy, no place of renewal.

And now that I was spent, exhausted and used up, this place of darkness no longer had use for me. I wasn't welcomed any longer. I was being ridiculed, laughed at, ostracized, kicked around, spit on. I was pushed, pulled, bruised, beaten and broken.

I tried to recover...many times, I tried to stand on my own two feet, tried to rely or call upon the power within myself.  Alas there was only weakness to found. No matter how determined I desired to be, no matter how tired of the abuse from this dark place, no matter the hands of loved ones reaching out to help & pick me up, pull me out. I was too weak. I could see their hands, their hearts, their desire to help.

And, honestly? I reached out my hands to grasp theirs...but the distance too great, the chasm to wide.

I retreated to a corner of safety, there in the darkness. It turned out to be a false sense..but it allowed me a moment of reprieve. In that moment I called out to the One I rejected. I felt His presence...briefly.

Briefly before being pulled into the center of the darkness. To be used once more as a play thing. Jostled, juggled, tossed and dropped. Sure there were still moments when I actually thought it was fun...kind of. But the moments were much shorter, the after pain too great, the recovery too long.

Each time I retreated to a corner where no one was; where I could heal, recover and rest. I whispered His name. I turned my eyes, my heart to the opening in this pit of darkness. The opening that I hadn't noticed, yet knew was always there. The opening where glittering, brilliant, warming rays of light streamed through. The brilliance shone upon my face, reflecting to the space around me.

For the first time, my eyes scanned the place I had nestled into. I took in the dirt & the grime, the dust & filth. I looked at the place I had retreated to...really looked at and examined it. And I was disgusted with what I saw. I had sat in the midst of this cesspool for too long and I desired escape. I needed escape. I could no longer breathe. I jumped up, gulping air into my lungs, desperately needing fresh, new, life-giving oxygen.

This time, it wasn't a whisper. I cried out His name. I begged Him to hear me. To see me. To rescue me. To cleanse me. I came to hate the dark place. I lifted my eyes, my face, my heart, my spirit, and my soul to the opening above. And when I finally lifted my hands up to the sky, to the heaven above; I felt His hand touch mine. I knew it was Him. I felt the scars. I grabbed on and allowed Him to lift me out. To carry me away from the stench, filth and disgust of that dark place.

He carried me to a place of healing, cleansing, renewal. He washed me with His gentleness, patience and unbelievable love. He held me, rocked me, sang to my soul. He forgave me. He blessed me. He showed me a new place. 

A place of wholeness, light & strength. An amazing place full of joy, peace, hope, mercy & grace. A place where light resides...all the time. Where my heart is cared for, loved, desired. Where I am understood. Where history and newness reside together. Where there is direction, calling and manifested dreams.

A place where He says my name and I smile in response.

Bless you as you hear His voice and walk in His light today. <3 LR

What color are your eyes?

Drama

Family drama. Church drama. Work related drama. Community drama. Neighborhood drama. Elementary school drama. Middle school and of course, high school drama. College drama. City clubs & small town bar drama. Friendship & relationship drama.

I love the word Drama. It isn't quite as psychotic as 'issues'.

When people come together in any type of gathering...no, not people. Women, girls, ladies, chicks, princesses, prima donas, females, diva's, dudettes, gf's, bgf's, bff's....kind of people. There is likely to be some sort of drama happening.

 It could be obvious, in your face drama. Or an electrical undercurrent of  hidden drama. But it is almost always there. The prime fuel for this, in my opinion comes from one source.

Jealousy.

Some like to separate the two; jealousy & envy.

Envy

1. feeling of discontent and ill will because of another's advantages, possessions, etc.; resentful dislike of another who has something that one desires
2. desire for some advantage, quality, etc. that another has

Jealousy 

1. very watchful or careful in guarding or keeping: jealous of one's rights
2. resentfully suspicious of a rival or a rival's influence: a husband jealous of other men
3. resentfully envious
4. resulting from such feelings: a jealous rage

Separate the two if you like...but the results are the same. the dazzle of green eyes.

Jealousy

She can be your best friend and looses 5 lbs...You are SO very happy for her! =)  But deep (sometimes not too deep) down you compare, and you wish, hope, desire it to be you.  You stop listening to the excitement in her voice, you become quiet and introspective; and your eyes have a slight tint of green to them. 

Jealousy.

A co-worker receives a gift from a customer. You smile and acknowledge the praise they are given. But the words bounce off you as you think why them, I do at least as good a job as them; I never get gifts given to me. Of course you shake off the silliness of those thoughts..but your body language spoke it, and your eyes reflect green....

Jealousy

Wow, what a nice car, house, bike, tractor, lawn mower, dog, rake, flowers, wife, husband, kids, renovation, window, yard, garage, TV, chair, plate, stove or floor. We verbalize our oooo's and our aaaahhh's, But inwardly sometimes, oft times, we think how great that would look in our kitchen, yard, garage, house, bed. We desire after it and our eyes sparkle green..

Jealousy.

Your friend is moving forward in her life after years of pain. Of course you are happy for her but she doesn't quite need you the same way she used to. The crutches are gone, the shoulder unused of late, the tears now of joy and not sorrow. You want her to be free, healthy, strong...really you do! And then you realize...she is moving forward! You have your feet planted firm in strong roots. She is seeing all that is new, alive, joyful, exciting! You are watering the roots, packing down the soil. Feeling unnecessary, unneeded, unmovable...you sprinkle the roots with a tinge of bitterness and envy. And you look at your
friend with a heart full of love and your eyes the color of emeralds.

Jealousy

It hurts. It disables. It cuts. It destroys. It breaks. It wounds. It angers. It saddens. It brings grief, sorrow and tears.

I too am a knight in rusty armor, sword in hand,
Determination & strength my companions
I fight back the dragon, the blazing hot tongue of fire
The swollen head, blackened heart and eyes of emerald green

I cut and cross, I feint and fleche, I parry and I block
My body gets weary, my vision is blurred, I stumble and retreat
With weakened muscle, and strength so not my own; My sword is lifted high
The battle continues, the war rages, the duel a fight to the finish!

The spiritual forces continue the battle when my heart is revealed to Him
He takes the desires, the unhealthy wants and wishes, the not quite happy with me feelings
He puts out the fire, the ego reduced, the tongue not so hot with the flame
The heart beats blood red, the breath sweet and true, and my eyes shine their beautiful blue!

Jealousy

If you are a women; you know of which I speak. (Men are NOT exempt...but I speak from that which I feel and know; that of being female!)  We all have been on both sides of the green-eyed monster.

Either side a destructive entity to an otherwise wonderful friendship.

Where are you in your battle? 

Life....is short.

Battles...a waste of time.

Friendships...too important.

Blessings to you today as you find peace in all that YOU are and all that YOU have. ♥ LR

**side note**  to my beautiful green-eyed born friends...   naturally, born to you, green eyes have the  glitter of love sprinkled in and there is a stunning beauty within those monster free green eyes!

British Columbia & Memories

BC and Grandpa & Grandma go hand in hand....There is a sense of coming home!

I was walking today; up hills, down roadways, stairways and over rocks,
Back to the waters edge where I can breathe, pray and listen
It wasn't in the where I was going that mattered today
It was in the thoughts, in the memories I opened; the memories cherished.

Memories stored deep within; spilled out as I walked by the weeping willow
Remembering the coolness under the magnificent hanging branches
The warmth of the love that was felt as we gathered there
The laughter, the games, the meals, the togetherness of cherished family.

The willows led way to a vast array of wonderfulness
The smell of fresh cut wood, greasy tractor grease,
Dove bar soap, house dresses & square dancing,
Tree Swing, fresh picked cherries & burrs in long hair.

Half the fun was in the getting there; 7 of us in one car
Banff gates, long drives & new comic books
Wax paper wrapped tuna sandwiches & muffins
Travel games, word games & silly songs

Long winded grace before breakfast
Brown betty tea pot full of hot steeped tea,
Happy face juice glasses and spoons in a crock
Potatoes, corn, beets & ham, bread, buns, cookies and jam.

Rexall Drug store where Grandma worked, Davidsons Fruit stand & the drive-in
The shared drive way, the warm greetings from Trixie,
And the high pitched welcome from the front porch
The love filled hugs and the smell that belonged.

The slugs, the spiders, the moss and the dew
The farm, the barn, the loft full of hay
The dirt, the tall grass, the trees dropping plums
The mice, the cats, the boots and the hats.

The guitar playing, the singing, the jingle of the tambourine
The harmonica, accordion, organ and the bongo beat
The worship, the praise, the music filled house,  
The deep bass voice, the tapping of toes, the musical notes; both the highs and the lows.

Cherished remembering, cherished hearts, cherished lives.
Rich history, rich roots, riches beyond measure
Memories of love filled childhood days spilled out from deep within
And washed over my soul with the sweetness of lives lived and days now past.

I walked today with my Grandpa quite near

And so many memories flooded of my Grandma dear,

The blackberries, mistletoe and cedars so high,

Weeping Willows remembered and tears of joy in my eye.

This time, this day, this now....

I am actually afraid to write today. Afraid of what is bubbling deep within my being. Afraid of my thoughts, emotions, feelings, afraid of my future.


I am afraid; Saturday is coming,
August is mere days from beginning,
Life altering change is in my next breath.
I am afraid; of my faith, of good-byes, of letting go, of being forgotten & of forgetting,
I am afraid; of the tomorrows and the yesterdays.
I am afraid; you won't know who I am anymore.
I am afraid; to trust, to believe, to hope,
I am afraid; of sorrow, grief, failure
I am afraid; of unbelievable happiness & incredible joy
I am afraid; of the unknown, the newness, the journey
I am afraid; of fear.


I could let all these fears stop me in my tracks. Stop me from moving forward, from letting go and giving up control. I could, I have...in the past. 

But not this time.

This time it is different.


I am different. He is different (I see Him different). Life is different.

This time I am not the one responsible, not the one in control, not the one in the drivers seat, I am not the one striving to make it all work!

This time, this day, this now... is out of my hands!
And that brings such relief, such peace, such presence
Fear pushes way to Faith, to Trust, to Belief.
And that washes my soul with His essence.

Breathe in the sweet Peace of Jesus
Breathe out all that does not belong
Breathe in the amazing Love of my Father
Breathe out all that, which is wrong.

This time, this day, this now...is in Your hands!
and fear no longer is seen,
I focus on you for direction
and love what always has been!

Breathe in the Freedom of Christ,
Breathe out the rules that can bind
Breathe in His Incredible Joy
Breathe out all that clutters the mind.

This time,
This day,
This now....
I no longer am afraid;
This time,
This day,
This now...
I remembered & I prayed!

How often does fear stop you in your tracks? When was the last time? Too often it happens to me and too often I forget to bring it to God, to lay it at his feet, to let go.

Oh but when I do remember...
when I go to him with the truth, with the fear of my heart...  He is there! He takes it and says 'fear not, for I am with you...' 

He wants to take it; He wants to see you, to see me, step out in faith...to walk on the water!

He has such amazing gifts for us when we open our hands, our hearts, our minds, our spirits & our Faith.

When we let go, when we give it to Him, when we trust Him with it all; The treasures are many, the joy incredible, and such delight floods our entire being.  

What are you afraid of?

Can you give Him your fear today and be open to receive His goodness?

 He stands, with arms open wide, hands outstretched, patient, loving, desiring, waiting......

His Peace be yours this day, this now, at this time ♥ LR 

The Ocean's Edge

Today the purity of the water.
The vastness of the ocean.
The cleansing tide washing away the darkness, the sorrow, the sin, the grief, the stress, the shattered dreams, the broken heart, the anguish, the loneliness, the bitterness, anger, strife and loss.

All washed away in the crashing of the waves, the lapping of the receding tide and the small pools of ocean water.

 

God was present, there at the oceans edge as I looked out in awe.

The world. My world, behind me. Out of site. Out of hearing distance. Left out on purpose. Left to fend for itself, I was no longer present.

 I looked as a babe, out over the vastness of the ocean. So incredibly awestruck I was.

And all I could see. All I could hear. All I could feel. Was God. He filled the space; completely. He was there. And he poured out his love on me. He held me. He comforted me. He filled me with his grace. He filled me with His mercy. He brought about a sense of completeness. Accomplishment. Rest. Peace. He asked me to let go of all that I was holding on to.  And I did.

I stood at the oceans edge today

looking out as far as far could be,

I stood at the oceans edge today
and wondered what was there for me....

I stood at the oceans edge today
with open heart and prayerful soul,
I stood at the oceans edge today
my spirit at peace and did not tole.

I stood at the oceans edge today

I raised my hands and eyes then too,

I stood at the oceans edge today

and in that vastness; there was YOU!

I stood at the oceans edge today

You filled the void that lay before,

I stood at the oceans edge today

my spirit hungered, thirsting for more!

I stood at the oceans edge today

giving it all away to You,

I stood at  the oceans edge today

and received your gift of everything new! 

Have you ever seen the vastness of God? Have you ever felt His bigness? Truly? So big you just can't comprehend, can't grasp, can't understand?

 If not...seek for it!

If so....go back!

Be in Awe, wonder, amazement and even shock! Surprised by His complete filling of ALL that you will ever need, all that your heart desires, all that He has planned for you!

Maybe you can't stand at the oceans edge today. Be encouraged, I now know that God is so big His vastness fills the world; YOUR world. Go outside. Take a deep breath. Look up. Can you meet Him there? He is waiting for you.....

Blessings be multiplied in your world today dear heart ♥

Just as I am....

Ok! It has taken almost two hours to get to where I am right now with todays entry. Right 'now' being the picture of me with the words around it...that's all!  Not the rest of the body of todays blog...just that!  But perseverance paid off and I am pleased with it thus far. I hope to keep things interesting here to keep you coming back!  I am loving the feedback...please feel free to comment or send me an email and let me know how I am doing at my first attempt at blogging!



Todays entry is dated April 11/11. On this day, I found myself questioning who I was, who I am, who I desire to be. My emotions, feelings, character, personality and an internal view of me. 

I am an intricate & complicated women,

I am a daughter of the King,

I was designed to be complicated,

I was created in His image!
He made me,
He loves me,
He knows me,

He cares about me & all that I am ----->>>>

He knows my heart, my desires, my hopes,

    my dreams, my mind and my wishes,

He knows the dates, the anniversaries and the  memories,

He knows my weaknesses,

He knows when to hold me up and when to push me along,

He IS, HE WAS & HE ALWAYS WILL BE!

   He loves me, cares about me and is in control! OMG....YOU are amazing!  Thank YOU!

I am blessed beyond measure,

loved beyond doubt

the last 4 years, you've held me

that's what this has all been about!

Your blessings come in raindrops
Your healing comes in tears,
Where I am today,
is worth the last 4 years!

I sense your guiding spirit,
I feel your love drenched touch,
You've held and rocked and hugged me,

Grace and mercy has been much!

Thank you heavenly Father,

Thank you loving Son,

Thank you for your Spirit

Thank you three in One!

Be blessed dear hearts for I know God loves the faithful, the broken hearted, the weak, the struggling, the hurting, the confused, the tender-hearted and the YOU that you are...today! <3

a Life that is Lived

Day 3 of Blogging. I love experiencing the learning that comes with this newest hobby, er....um...dare I say passion! Your encouraging comments via email are most appreciated and very welcome, thank you!  The comments left on the actual blog are exciting to see and also most appreciated! =)

Thank you for visiting here with me today as I share my journey from April 3, 2011.....

Time, Emotions,
Time, Events,
Time, People,
Time, Family,
Time, Highs,
Time, Lows,
Time, Comings,
Time, Goings,
Time, Tick, Time, Tock, Time, Time, Time, Time, Time!

So much happens as time goes slowly by. LIFE happens as Time races past!

Moments are filled with the passing of time.
Each moment ~ a small passage of time,
A second, a blink, a breath, a smile, a tear, a hug, a harsh word,
a small hurt, a fragile heart, a whisper of faith,
an exclamation of Joy, a twinge of guilt,
a glimmer of home, a pardon of forgiveness, a scent of a rose,
a prick of a thorn, a pause for peace,
the chirp of a spring robin, a sideways glance,
a disbelieving stare, a misjudged curve,
a last breath, a newborns cry, a beat of a heart,
a rude comment, a snide remark, an encouraging nod, a touch of the fingers, a lovers kiss,
a warm embrace, a drop of oil, a lost & found memory,
a call to patience, a realization, a hummingbird at rest,
melting of spring snow, a quick hello, a wave to say Hi,
a broken heart, a tragic accident, a bird in flight, a whale jumping,
a gorgeous sunset, a breathtaking sunrise,
the leap of a dolphin, a heaven sent desire, a quick prayer, a passing glance,
the flutter of butterfly wings, a promise of lasting love, the placement of a gold band.

Life happens in a moment of time.

The ups and downs of life; these too are moments in time. My world is not falling apart, my life is not over! IT is a string of moments in time.....

There is soulful strength now.
I choose to not react, I chose silence.
I choose peace, I choose patience, I choose wisdom, I choose faith,
I choose Your comfort, I choose Your grace, I choose to seek Your face, I choose YOU over all else!

I am no longer a victim! I am no longer just surviving ~ I choose to thrive! I am no longer controlled by negative moments. I am positive, centered, balanced and free!

Each moment gives way to the next which may be wondrous or devastating...
But that moment always gives way to the next which may be tragic or glorious.
Joy or sorrow, sickness or health, fulfilling or destructive,
the yin & yang, the ebb & flow....

One moment to the next ~ Leads to a life that is lived!

Blessings to you as you Live your Life today!

Shaking Free

Thank you all for visiting my new Blog yesterday! I am excited to share my walk with you and show you where I am today and what I have learned in the process. In order to get today...I am visiting the not so distant past. Today's entry from my journal is from April 1.

Peace, accomplishment and calm fill me today.

So amazed at how circumstances for our future still look the same and yet I feel only this peace, this belief that God truly is in control.

I can honestly say I have never experienced this before. I feel so blessed, so honored, so relieved.

**explanation note here**  In one of the inspiring email subscriptions I receive on a daily basis, a meditation mantra arrived. I have printed it out and at home it is permanently on my fridge. Here in my temporary home in Victoria it is on the wall in the 'kitchen'. It is as follows; 

Breathe in the Peace of Christ,
Breathe out anxiety.
Breathe in the Gentleness of Christ,
Breathe out disorder and clutter.
Breathe in the Freedom of Christ,
Breathe out all that binds you.
Breathe in the Joy of Christ,
Breathe out discouragement and broken heartedness.
Breathe in the Love of Christ,
Breathe out selfishness and personal agenda.

I lose count how many times a day I go through all or some of these mantras. The peace that comes is truly amazing. On April 1 I was processing, praying and contemplating on the Freedom of Christ and letting go of all that binds (keeps captive, restrains, ties up, prevents me from being me).

And so I continue....

What is freedom in Christ?
To believe the direction seen is from Him & to block out others good intentions.
To worship away from a church building and still be filled with awe and wonder in Christ.
To love someone so deeply after only knowing them for a short while,
To open my heart and express love & hug & smile freely.
To be different from others.
To be real.
To be vulnerable.
To be okay with ME and believe that God is the only one I have to please!

I took God out of the box I had Him in for over 20 years, sometime ago....
Now it is time to take ME out of the box that I have built and allowed others to perfect! Time to be the woman God desires me to be. Time to stop living my life for everyone else and start living completely and wholly for God!

Who is Robyn Movold? A follower of Christ, a daughter of the heavenly Father, a temporary resident of planet earth!

Shaking free from boards & nails,
Pushing down the walls & rails,
I rise, I soar, I laugh & roar,
I grow, I stretch, I smile and more!

The woman God designed is here,
No more to look in the worlds mirror,
Created to be unique & free,
Loving the thought at being ME!

No more box, no walls, no barriers,
Only joy expressed and merrier.
My soul flies high and full of love,
my spirit floats on the wings of a dove,
my heart loves, my arms embrace,
my fingers touch upon each face!

To share my faith and Gods love true,
Is spilling out, it feels so new,
To nurture, bless and allow Gods grace,
It is His radiance seen upon my face!

Blessings to you, thanks for stopping by today!

In the middle of life; at the very beginning....

One of the hardest things I find, in starting a blog is deciding where to start. So I have decided to just begin!

I am in the midst of a major life changing transition this month, this season. Most who will follow my blog (at first :^) ), will already know where I have come from and some will even have knowledge on where I am going. There is no doubt that my Healing Rain Blog starts smack dab in the middle of what was before and what is to come. Go ahead....jump in with me!

This will be my personal journal, my prayers to God, my thoughts about various topics, my ramblings, my opinions and my 'writings'.  Come on by. Sit with me. Share with me. See the me I strive to be, was created to be, longingly desire to be and sometimes regret to be (sometimes; not often anymore...but sometimes).

In order to truly show where I am today I have decided to regress just a few months. To March 31, 2011. The day I put pen to paper once again. The day Gods spirit broke through and moved in my heart to write, again.

As my 'secure' world seemingly falls down around, me I cry out to God. Wanting so desperately to be a women of faith and not one of worry, turmoil or fear....again (or is it still?)

My breathing is laboured as I try to make sense, to process, to believe!

I push the negative thoughts away but it's like they are a rubber band and spring back as fast as I send them away!

I recognize blessings this time, this trial...
the love I have for others,
the love I receive from others
 the generous hearts of 'close' others
the speck of faith that is there...wanting to grow, to bud AND to bloom.

Things are different this time. They have to be... as family is different, circumstances different, choices different.

My head spins, my heart is crashing against my chest, my head aches & weariness over takes me.

Is denial a form of faith?
I can live today for today truly is blessed!
But of tomorrow? Do I/we not have decisions to make? Plans to devise? A way to live in this world & not be of this world?

Have we really gone through 'ALL' to just work & buy & live & exist?
Is there not more in this life?
Should there not be more?

Is this life to be part time? Although we can and have lived as God followers and worked full time...is that it?  Is that all?

Life is Oh, so short! So much heart to share & so very difficult behind a desk, in an office.

Where do we go from here Lord?

You have always been in my writing Oh Lord!
Peace comes gently, pouring comfort & calm over my head, my heart, my soul.
The tears are gone again...For Now.

For Now ~ I see your hand
For Now ~ I am able to stand
For Now ~ You comfort me
For Now ~ Your Grace I see
For Now ~ Sweet Peace I hold
For Now ~ Your love enfold
For Now ~ with Faith anew
For Now ~ My troubles, so few!

Thank you Abba, Father
    I love you!