Yesterday

I didn't have a very good day yesterday.
Actually, I haven't had a very good week.


I cried more than I breathed.
I stressed more than I prayed.
I wallowed in darkness more than searching for the light
I worried.
I fretted
I agonized.
I allowed negative to consume me.
I allowed loneliness to cover me.
I allowed weakness to have power.
I forgot who I was.
I forgot who I had become.
I forgot who was living within me
I forgot that I no longer live to please people
I forgot how to let it all go.
I became overwhelmed.


Will you forgive me for reverting back to the victim mentality that I lived for four long years. That's what happened yesterday. That's how things started out on Monday.


I was reminded once more, that I don't do well without input from my support system; my cherished friends and amazing family. I don't do alone well. I need, crave & desire positive affirmation. My confidence seems to be based on 'good for you' words.


It is because of this basic need within my spirit that I am a people pleaser. Yup, tis true! I spent years, pretty much my whole life, striving to make everyone in my world happy. At all costs.


If I could make others happy, if I could put their needs before my own, if I could make them feel special; I was awarded with 'thank you's', smiles and words of praise. It felt good. It boosted my confidence. I felt on the right track. I was going in the right direction.


I did a lot of things for people that I shouldn't have. At times I compromised my values. My morals. My health. My bank account. My faith. My convictions. 


I was filled with such a great need to please some people SO much that I put my children, my marriage, my friends, my family and my God in a place of pain, embarrassment, shame and hurt.


Why? When I loved them all so much, why could I neglect them as I turned to please others. Why is it so easy to do the things we don't want to do. The things we know is not right. 


Romans 7:9 says it perfectly; For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want


Yesterdays writing came from an old place. A place of pleasing others. A place that pushed new self to the back burner. A place that forgot who I had become in Christ. 


A place that left out "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honoured by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world." Psalm 46:10, As well as "Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD" Psalm 27:14


As I wrote, I thought of what some of my readers may be thinking and less of what God may be thinking or wanting from me. Less of Him and way too much of others; way to much of the old ME! 


I woke up weak. I rose negative. I walked with a heavy heart. I allowed the tasks before me to weigh me down. I forgot to look up and give up. I forgot what it meant to not take back once an attempt to give was made.


I forgot who I was living for, striving for, writing for. I forgot the simplest truth. I forgot the easiest path in life. I forgot that by pleasing only One; I would be pleasing to and for others. 


Yesterday I forgot but today it comes to mind,
that living life for others is not the best kind.
Yesterday I woke with worries, with problems on my heart,
I allowed the stress and troubles to prevent a happy start.


Yesterday the burdens were many; the struggles weighed me down,
I wasn't able to process in my head without a frown.
Yesterday I walked away from peace and fell into despair,
a blanket of darkness shrouded me and nothing in life felt fair.


Yesterday I anguished and left God out of the mix,
Even though my spirit knew it was easy for Him to fix.
Yesterday I needed confidence and hungered after praise,
And so in my weakness I fell into a past phase.


Yesterday was brutal; I feel beat up and sore,
Today I have every intention of making even the score!
Yesterday is over and no more to pull me back,
Today all things are new and I am standing on track!


Yesterday was yesterday; today is what is now,
the old is buried deep again; I was reminded how.
This day is all brand new for me and direction is before
Each step I take I hope you see I need to please Him more!


Blessings be yours this day as you remember to look up and give up ♥ LR