Is Your Consent Form Completed?

To believe and consent to be loved while unworthy is the great secret.

I didn't know why I couldn't consent to God loving me until two days ago.

Two days ago, I had a revelation that I never felt, never believed that God could forgive me of my past mistakes. Past wrongs. Past sins. I never accepted the forgiveness. I never forgave myself.

Consequently, I didn't believe God could truly love me. 

30 years in the North American Christian Church and I didn't believe God loved me. A place where Gods love is preached. A place where there is often an outward display of love being exemplified. A place where church attenders are taught that 'God is Love'. He does love because that is what and who HE is. 


God forgave. God forgot. God loved. 


God forgave me. I forgot to forgive myself. I couldn't accept the love He offered.

My Bible read "For God so loved the world (except for Robyn) that he gave His only son....."

God heard the prayers of the faithful (except mine). God answered prayers all the time (just not mine).

I came to accept it. I saw it daily. I felt it. I lived it. I believed it. I was conscience of it. I was very aware. It was a thought I pondered often.

I was unlovable. God didn't love me. Couldn't love me.

I didn't love me. Couldn't love me. I was unlovable.

I believed this to be a fact. The truth. The way it was. The way it would always be.

And then came June 8, 2009. It was my darkest hour since June 14, 2007 @ 5:25pm.




It was the moment I decided I was done. I wasn't going to do this 'life' any more. I couldn't. I didn't have what it took to take the next step forward. I decided to stop. Not continue. Not heal. Not move on.


I cried out in pain. I cried out in agony. I cried out in desperation. I cried out in complete surrender.


God had a different plan. He had a new message. He had something to say to me. He had a life line. He had a way out.


I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

On that bleak and despairing day, I heard the still quiet voice of God. I took a baby step forward and fell into His arms. 


For the first time EVER I felt God's love washing over me. Pouring down like rain. Soaking the dry and the parched. Flooding the empty. Filling the void.


It took some time for the reality to soak in (pun intended!). But soak it did. Drenched. Flooded.

My heart started to refresh. Renew. Hope. Believe. Mend. Heal. And receive.

I allowed Gods love. I consented to being loved. I accepted love.

The journey I had been on my whole life changed in an instant. I knew love. And it was beautiful.

The grief journey I had been on for two years took a turn for the better as I allowed, as I gave permission for God to love me.

Two days ago I realized that by consenting to God loving me; I had started to love myself. I was elated as I realized for the first time since I was 16 years old I had truly forgiven myself. Some where along the way, along the path I walked........ I let go, and let God.


Bless you today as you give it up and consent to be loved by God ♥ LR

Missing US

No matter how much I try to believe it. Want to believe it. Strive for it. Claim it to be so.


It is simply not true. I can not think it into existence. I have tried to make it happen.


I have failed.


There is a reason My Man and I have been together for just over 32 years.


Neither one of us does 'alone' well. We are not independent of one another. We are needy for each other. We not only like us; we miss us, we need us, we live best when we are us. WE don't do I or me well at all!


We fail at independence.


I often play the part of an independent 21st century kinda gal. I can come across as needing no one and relying only on self. At times I played the part so well I almost had myself convinced that I could do this life alone.


The last couple of months My Man and I have been apart more than we have been together.


He has been closing the book on our past.. Packing, hauling, working, finalizing, ending, selling and sealing.


32 years of us. 28 years of raising a family. 24 years living, working and being part of an amazing community. 12 years in one house; our last Alberta home.


I am in a new land. Opening a new book. Establishing the beginnings. New job. New home. New friends. New lifestyle. Setting the foundation for the next 32 years of us.


We have been taking care of the necessary. Trying to live in the moment; wanting to enjoy the journey. Thinking we are independent and can do life as a single person.


We can't and nor do we desire to.


It is time to be us again. I don't want to walk alone. I don't want to eat alone. I don't want to shop alone. Drive alone. Cook alone. I certainly am done sleeping alone! I don't want to dream alone. I don't want to move forward alone. I have explored our new surroundings as much as I am going to without My Man at my side. I don't want to experience any more island life alone.


I wasn't designed to be alone. I was created to be one of two. I am okay with that design.


I am aware there are many things that we are capable of as individuals. Many traits, personalities, quirks, habits and hobbies that we like about ourselves. That make us who we are. We are different & unique from the other with various talents and gifts. But yet, when we are together, when we are us; truly, completely us...we meld, mould, work as one so well, that we often don't see where one begins and the other ends.


We are counting down the days when we will live under the same roof again. If all goes well, we will be in each others arms in 5 days! (insert big time happy dance here!)


We aren't kids any more. We don't live in a fantasy world. We have been dealt enough reality to know what is up ahead. We have had 32 years experience of reality.


When we come together it will be glorious....for a time. It will be wonderful, romantic, special. Full of adventure and excitement. So much to see. So much to explore. So much more work to do. So many hours and days of adjusting to one another again.


We will slowly dismantle the haphazard independent life we have been struggling through. There will be discussions, arguments, tears and even out right fighting (NO, not physical! But definitely bigger than just an argument!). I know this because over the years, we have been here before.


We will talk it through. We will hug it out. We will alter our stubborn minds. We will soften our hardened hearts. We will pour out love on one another. We will snuggle and cuddle. We will make it work once more. I know this because over the years, we have been here before.


We will let the knowledge of our commitment to one another wash over us until the depth and purity of our love floods our hearts and brings unity once again.

Once again filling our daily existence with..... us! 


May today hold blessings of great measure in your relationships with loved ones; whether it be spouse, children, parents or friends ♥ LR

Yesterday

I didn't have a very good day yesterday.
Actually, I haven't had a very good week.


I cried more than I breathed.
I stressed more than I prayed.
I wallowed in darkness more than searching for the light
I worried.
I fretted
I agonized.
I allowed negative to consume me.
I allowed loneliness to cover me.
I allowed weakness to have power.
I forgot who I was.
I forgot who I had become.
I forgot who was living within me
I forgot that I no longer live to please people
I forgot how to let it all go.
I became overwhelmed.


Will you forgive me for reverting back to the victim mentality that I lived for four long years. That's what happened yesterday. That's how things started out on Monday.


I was reminded once more, that I don't do well without input from my support system; my cherished friends and amazing family. I don't do alone well. I need, crave & desire positive affirmation. My confidence seems to be based on 'good for you' words.


It is because of this basic need within my spirit that I am a people pleaser. Yup, tis true! I spent years, pretty much my whole life, striving to make everyone in my world happy. At all costs.


If I could make others happy, if I could put their needs before my own, if I could make them feel special; I was awarded with 'thank you's', smiles and words of praise. It felt good. It boosted my confidence. I felt on the right track. I was going in the right direction.


I did a lot of things for people that I shouldn't have. At times I compromised my values. My morals. My health. My bank account. My faith. My convictions. 


I was filled with such a great need to please some people SO much that I put my children, my marriage, my friends, my family and my God in a place of pain, embarrassment, shame and hurt.


Why? When I loved them all so much, why could I neglect them as I turned to please others. Why is it so easy to do the things we don't want to do. The things we know is not right. 


Romans 7:9 says it perfectly; For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want


Yesterdays writing came from an old place. A place of pleasing others. A place that pushed new self to the back burner. A place that forgot who I had become in Christ. 


A place that left out "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honoured by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world." Psalm 46:10, As well as "Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD" Psalm 27:14


As I wrote, I thought of what some of my readers may be thinking and less of what God may be thinking or wanting from me. Less of Him and way too much of others; way to much of the old ME! 


I woke up weak. I rose negative. I walked with a heavy heart. I allowed the tasks before me to weigh me down. I forgot to look up and give up. I forgot what it meant to not take back once an attempt to give was made.


I forgot who I was living for, striving for, writing for. I forgot the simplest truth. I forgot the easiest path in life. I forgot that by pleasing only One; I would be pleasing to and for others. 


Yesterday I forgot but today it comes to mind,
that living life for others is not the best kind.
Yesterday I woke with worries, with problems on my heart,
I allowed the stress and troubles to prevent a happy start.


Yesterday the burdens were many; the struggles weighed me down,
I wasn't able to process in my head without a frown.
Yesterday I walked away from peace and fell into despair,
a blanket of darkness shrouded me and nothing in life felt fair.


Yesterday I anguished and left God out of the mix,
Even though my spirit knew it was easy for Him to fix.
Yesterday I needed confidence and hungered after praise,
And so in my weakness I fell into a past phase.


Yesterday was brutal; I feel beat up and sore,
Today I have every intention of making even the score!
Yesterday is over and no more to pull me back,
Today all things are new and I am standing on track!


Yesterday was yesterday; today is what is now,
the old is buried deep again; I was reminded how.
This day is all brand new for me and direction is before
Each step I take I hope you see I need to please Him more!


Blessings be yours this day as you remember to look up and give up ♥ LR