My Girlfriend Tells Me; It's Not All About Me

That's what this blog was supposed to be called.  And truth be told....this blog was supposed to be a book with that title. Honest. 

The idea of a month long sabbatical came to be because of a dream I had about 3 months before about writing a book. Getting out of bed the next morning, Randy and I discussed it and it just started to fall into place.

I had full intentions of writing a book on the island. God desired something else. 

Each morning that I have written here; I sit down without an idea in my head and I give it all to God. He takes over and the words come. Every day...they just come, fast, and fluid and God-breathed.

It is humbling. It is honouring. It is a gift. It is raw. It is real. It is the me that God has always desired I be.

I've come a long way baby!!!

I come from a place where I couldn't handle others talking about me. AT ALL!  I would get mad & angry. I have walked away from relationships because others talked about me without me present.

I have spent many moments in my husbands arms with tears cascading down my face, at the thought of being judged, discussed & gossiped about.

I worked hard at putting forth the persona I wanted others to see. I controlled my actions, words, emotions. I shushed my husband when he shared something I didn't want others to know about us...about me. I pleaded again and again with him to NOT discuss me with anyone unless I was there! I hated that he was so vocal, so honest, so out there, so not carrying what anyone thought of him. He was who he was, nothing fake or controlled or scripted for him. I couldn't understand how he could show such vulnerability out in the world...for all to see!

For years he didn't understand that side of me. We were too different. Until finally;  my tears, hurt, embarrassment and wounded pride reduced me to complete social phobia. My husband started to understand. He became the only truly safe person in my life. He protected me. He comforted me. He helped me create the perfect place of peace and rest. He was the only one I allowed, without reservation, in my comfort zone.

Frozen fear of being around others. I couldn't function outside of my controlled environment.

Social Phobia as the dictionary defines;

 

A psychiatric disorder characterized by anxiety about being in public or social gatherings. Also called social anxiety disorder.

 

I tried the counselling, the medications, cognitive behaviour therapy, self help books, group counselling, medical counselling and prayer. I read everything I could get my hands on. I researched for hours.

 

And I surrounded myself with safe friends. I carefully controlled my outings, my social times & my relationships. And every day...I fell into the arms of my husband with tears and anxiety and fear and pain and hurt and complete and utter exhaustion.

 

The drugs I went on were brutal, to put it mildly. The coming off of them was something I will NEVER go through again. I will never subject my body or my mind to something that powerful outside of God again.

 

I believe God took pity on me about 10 years ago. He knew I was destined for something else. Something better. Something that brought glory to Him and Joy to me.

 

It amazes me to this day how he directed me into the insurance industry as a receptionist! Talk about a social career choice! People all day long. People could hear my telephone conversations. People watched me write. Watched me walk. Watched me talk on the phone. The second day at my new job we had a lunch meeting...the horror at eating pizza in front of 7 people I barely new!

 

The thing with psychiatric disorders is they are not rational. They don't make sense to anyone but the person who is suffering. And I certainly wasn't about to try to explain it! 

 

Every single step I took for 6 years was carefully planned out, mapped out and controlled by me. And when others were determined to take me out of the comfort zone I had so carefully designed...I fell apart. I retreated. I went into hiding. I regressed.

 

The thing is...I thought it mattered what others thought of me.

 

But each day I pushed myself one step further. One step more outside of the zone I had lived in for way too long. I did ALOT of self talk. I lectured myself. I argued with myself. I battled within on a daily, most time hourly, basis. I forced myself to move. To talk. To interact. To squelch the rolling pain of anxiety deep in my gut; to ignore it. To smile. To laugh. To be real. The work was hard and not always successful. I became good at faking it until I made it.

 

It took a tragedy to break me free from the bonds of social phobia. Gut wrenching, life changing, who-cares-what-anyone-thinks-grief has a way of stripping away all pride. Breaking down all carefully built walls. And wearing the truth of who you are for all the world to see.

 

It just didn't matter anymore. I didn't care what others thought anymore. I grieved from the depths of my unguarded heart and I didn't care who saw. Didn't care or even think about being judged, talked about or discussed with out me present.

 

I have re-created my comfort zone of late. It is a place where I can truly be the me that I desire to be. It is a place where I am loved & accepted. There is no judgement here. There is no jealousy. There is no condemnation. No ridiculing. There is laughter of the love-filled heart. No hidden agenda. No manipulation. There is confidence. There is belief in self. There is belief in others. There is a giving and there is a taking. There is peace. There is joy. There is hope. There is faith. There is amazing unconditional love. I love my new comfort zone. I don't need to be careful, cautious or guarded.
Freedom reigns and the bondage of me-centered thinking has been broken.

 

This perfect place is in the arms of my heavenly Father and and I invite you to enter with me. I welcome you with open arms to a place where we can share one anothers lives in the deepest, purest, real-ist way possible.

 

Set your mask at the entrance and let your face shine God's truth, God's radiance and God's unconditional love to all you meet here today. Here He will protect your heart. Your soul. Your spirit. Here He will allow you to be the person He has always desired you to be. I encourage you to shake off and destroy your own carefully constructed comfort zone. I found His to be much better. Much safer. And much more designed for YOU!

 

 

Oh, and by the way?    This new comfort zone of mine?    It is no longer all about me!

 

Blessings to you today as you step INTO the comfort zone God has designed for you. ♥ LR